Let Go of Expectations

 

The news forecast in Florida warned, "Bundle up! Tomorrow morning is going to be near freezing."  Just having recently moved here from RI where the weather characteristically dips into single digits this time of year and currently the snow hasn't stopped falling for the past two weeks my children and I laughed, "Oh no, near freezing! Whatever shall we do?!" With no holds on mail delivery or closed doors of schools and federal buildings as there are in the Northeast, life in Florida moves steadily along, and yet some Floridians are upset with the inconvenient weather here, "This is Florida! It's not supposed to be this cold."
     "Supposed to be..." when this phrase is spoken it really translates to I expect; I expect things in the outside world to be A, B and then C for life to be good, I expect that if I do X,Y & Z then I will be happy, I expect that if you do L, M, N, O, P then we will be happy. Having expectations sets us up for disappointment and gives us excuses for not being happy... yet.
     Having expectations is NOT to be confused with setting goals. Goal setting is a process which includes an action plan to achieve those goals and space to measure your progress along the way. The process allows room for making adjustments when certain steps of the action plan may not be working very well. Goals that do not allow any wiggle room are too rigid to achieve. Setting goals facilitates a learning process moving toward success.

"I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won't work." ~Thomas Edison

     Having expectations takes the power away from the self. Automatically the focus is on an external factor under which we have no control. Many people use expectations as excuses for why they aren't successful or happy. Had Edison given up at his first or fifth attempt at inventing the light bulb while we all sat by expecting him to do it, we'd still be in the dark.

     Being free to live in the now lets us experience life in a way that facilitates personal growth. When there are expectations on our lives or the lives of others, that path of growth comes to a screeching halt.
     Adiv was upset at turning thirty. An attractive man born in Israel,  he ignored his own success story because he was too focused on his expectations of what life entailed at his age. In America he's spent the last eight years flourishing in a beauty career making women feel more vibrant and alluring. Yet, in his mind a thirty-year-old man should be married with a family and Adiv is divorced with no children. His expectations lacked wiggle room for acceptance of his reality. Adiv had to learn to let go of his expectations and embrace the reality of now. Only then was he able to move forward and flourish in his personal life like he had done in his career.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~Joseph Campbell

     Recently I was engaged in a personal conversation with a friend of mine who was curious to know how I managed under the stressful conditions of adjusting to a foreign environment with five children and no (financial) support. I expressed being both relieved for escaping the depressing energy of the past and excited for what was to come even though I had no idea what it was. I practice the preaching of doing my best with what I've got. That's all we can do and I am no different.

     However, I realized my lack of expectations played a major role in my positive outlook. Despite the financial burdens presented, my lack of expectations in monetary support allowed me to move forward freely. Ironically, I received a comment by a stranger who took offense to my divulging that I was doing it solo.

     The woman, unknown to me, had adopted a sense that she knew me from following my career online and so felt it was appropriate to voice her opinion. One statement she made gave me much insight into her frame of reference. "You're supposed to be a positive influence..." she said. And there it was, "supposed to be."

     She had placed expectations on me in a personal context that I was not fulfilling for her. To be positive doesn't mean that you never face stress and hindrances; to be positive means to face stress and hindrances with multiple possible pathways to overcome them which therefore offers the ability to embrace the obstacles as they facilitate personal growth. The process of personal development can never unfold unless we first acknowledge and accept the obstacles we face and then instead of focusing on the expectations of others, as in my case to expect another to fulfill his financial obligations, we focus on ourselves.

     You don't have to enjoy obstacles, stressors and hindrances and it is only human to express an array of emotions, in which feeling doesn't make you any less positive. Imagine if I had placed those unrealistic expectations on myself, "I'm not allowed to ever feel upset, overwhelmed or stressed because that means I am not a positive influence." What pressure! Let go of expectations of yourself, others and external factors and embrace your reality now.

Peace, Love & Light~

Becky Nolan