When Fear Speaks

     Behind all decisions, actions and thoughts is one of two roots: Love or Fear. Misrepresenting fear as love is a common practice. In relationships, any kind of relationship, the misrepresentation may occur quite often completely unintentionally. This very occurrence is the reason why some people claim that love is pain.

     Love is not pain. Anything rooted in love does not result in any sort of pain. Loving words, actions, decisions and thoughts all beget joyous, pleasant and wondrous feelings. Think about the love you have for your child. Remember an instance when you looked lovingly at your child playing, smelling a flower, sleeping soundly, laughing, or just gazing into your eyes. Imagine this taking place right now. What might your reaction be? Sit and admire the scene for a moment. Notice the emotional response you feel; love, joy, pride, pure pleasure!
     Now, let's modify the scene a bit. Imagine this time your child is smelling a flower that has a bee on it. What might your reaction be? Instead of witnessing your child at one with nature in a peaceful setting, you now have a sense of fear that your child might get stung. What might your response be for this particular instance? Swat the flower from the child's hand? Yell out to the child to get away? Abruptly pull your child away from the flower? In any one of those response scenarios you can imagine the child getting upset. They may be confused or startled or both. As a result the child may begin to cry. The child is clearly not feeling the result of love; on the contrary, the child is feeling a result of your fear.
     Fear is pain. Just as the child became upset by your action based on fear for your child getting stung. Though some may argue that the fear of your child getting hurt stems from your love for the child in the first place. We can then agree that the intention was to protect the child, which was motivated by your love for the child, but the action was rooted in fear. The action is what upset the child, not your intention and not your motivation.
     Bring the concept of when fear speaks into your adult relationships. Think of the words that some of your loved ones have said to you which have brought you pain only for the speaker to lay claim that the words were said out of love. In such instances we begin to question what love is. We wonder why love hurts so much. We begin to generalize assumptions that love is pain.
     I challenge you to analyze the most recent or hurtful incident when a loved one made a comment or two that caused you pain due to their love for you. Trace the comment back to the root. Was it truly out of love? Or was it out of fear? Fear of losing you? Fear of losing your trust? Fear of losing your time and attention? Fear of losing your interest? Fear of losing your love?
     Years ago I had planned to move across the country. My family needed a positive transformation, for that I was certain, and I was willing to do anything to figure out how to get it. When I disclosed my plans to move to my closest relatives, I received a barrage of negative comments and accusatory inquisitions.
     Conversations are harsh when fear speaks and it shows. The faces of my relatives held frowns and scowls, their tones were pitched in desperation, muscles were tense and the negative energy was thick from all sides; I on the immediate defensive whilst they on the front line of attack. The implication I received was that my relatives thought I was an ignorant fool making an irresponsible, selfish and rash decision on what, in reality, I had put much positive thought, careful consideration, prayer and research into. Their words and the manner with which they were delivered drove a wedge between us instantly. At the end of the conversation the phrase of justification for the undeniable pain caused was spoken, "We only say this because we love you." The final sentiment cemented the wedge in place.
     I knew that the words they chose were certainly not out of love, and therefore I deduced that if these people felt love in such a capacity that they really didn't love me at all. I knew what love was, and I absolutely knew that the experience was void of real love. At the time, neither they nor I had the emotional maturity to distinguish their love for me from their words and actions rooted in fear. Fear of losing me (and my family).
     The ironic thing is, that I was actively able to discern when fear speaks in my marriage. I spent years attempting to "teach"  my husband to make the distinction before acting and speaking. At times we seemed to be making progress and at other times not so much (for reasons that require a different article altogether). At any rate, the concept was nothing new to me, however I hadn't allowed this knowledge to transpire over to my childhood family members as well. If I had, I may have saved us a few years of estrangement.
     Today I share with you this insight of when fear speaks before a wedge is driven in the middle of your significant relationships. When you feel pain, rest assured there is fear at the root. I challenge you to uncover the fear and proactively work to salvage your relationships.

Peace, Love & Light~
Becky

Excerpt from In Between Rays of Sunshine: A How to Guide for Surviving Abuse by Rebecca Nolan

Part III

Truths in Life

There are certain Truths in life. When accepted, they diminish the complications that we have a tendency to put on things in our relationships, our situations, in the issues that we face and the decisions that we make.

1.     You are a being of Light; a spark of the divine. It doesn’t matter what your religious beliefs are or if you don’t have spiritual beliefs. This Truth connects us to all living things in the Universe. Therefore, you are never truly alone.

2.     Law of Attraction: negativity attracts negativity and positive energy attracts more positive energy. Hatred begets hatred therefore only love conquers evil.

3.     The world is not fair. Good things happen to and for all people and bad things happen to and for all people. It is up to the individual to determine their character in the way that they respond to both the good and the bad. *Don’t wait for Karma to save you from the A partner. *Karma may or may not come in your lifetime.

4.     The only thing within your control is You. You control your thoughts and intentions, your emotions, your words and actions. The decision in the level of control you exhibit over these areas determines how bright your Light is. *Don’t get into power struggles; it’s futile to attempt to control another.

5.     The only one who has control over you is You. Other people may manipulate or persuade you using an array of methods, but the ultimate decision to act or not to act is yours. *This workbook is dedicated to those who are under an illusion of control by the A partner.

6.     There is a fine line between being a victim and becoming a perpetrator. The choice is yours and yours alone on how to respond to the cruelty and harshness in the world with passivity, assertiveness or aggression. *Don’t contribute to abuse in the world with retaliations of aggression.

7.     Every decision made is rooted in either love or fear. Every action can be broken down to being love based or fear based. Love is joy and pleasure; fear is pain and suffering.

8.     You already possess everything you need to live this life the way you were meant to. Therefore, everything you want you can have by doing two things: shifting your perception or going after what you want.

Let Go of Expectations

 

The news forecast in Florida warned, "Bundle up! Tomorrow morning is going to be near freezing."  Just having recently moved here from RI where the weather characteristically dips into single digits this time of year and currently the snow hasn't stopped falling for the past two weeks my children and I laughed, "Oh no, near freezing! Whatever shall we do?!" With no holds on mail delivery or closed doors of schools and federal buildings as there are in the Northeast, life in Florida moves steadily along, and yet some Floridians are upset with the inconvenient weather here, "This is Florida! It's not supposed to be this cold."
     "Supposed to be..." when this phrase is spoken it really translates to I expect; I expect things in the outside world to be A, B and then C for life to be good, I expect that if I do X,Y & Z then I will be happy, I expect that if you do L, M, N, O, P then we will be happy. Having expectations sets us up for disappointment and gives us excuses for not being happy... yet.
     Having expectations is NOT to be confused with setting goals. Goal setting is a process which includes an action plan to achieve those goals and space to measure your progress along the way. The process allows room for making adjustments when certain steps of the action plan may not be working very well. Goals that do not allow any wiggle room are too rigid to achieve. Setting goals facilitates a learning process moving toward success.

"I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that won't work." ~Thomas Edison

     Having expectations takes the power away from the self. Automatically the focus is on an external factor under which we have no control. Many people use expectations as excuses for why they aren't successful or happy. Had Edison given up at his first or fifth attempt at inventing the light bulb while we all sat by expecting him to do it, we'd still be in the dark.

     Being free to live in the now lets us experience life in a way that facilitates personal growth. When there are expectations on our lives or the lives of others, that path of growth comes to a screeching halt.
     Adiv was upset at turning thirty. An attractive man born in Israel,  he ignored his own success story because he was too focused on his expectations of what life entailed at his age. In America he's spent the last eight years flourishing in a beauty career making women feel more vibrant and alluring. Yet, in his mind a thirty-year-old man should be married with a family and Adiv is divorced with no children. His expectations lacked wiggle room for acceptance of his reality. Adiv had to learn to let go of his expectations and embrace the reality of now. Only then was he able to move forward and flourish in his personal life like he had done in his career.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~Joseph Campbell

     Recently I was engaged in a personal conversation with a friend of mine who was curious to know how I managed under the stressful conditions of adjusting to a foreign environment with five children and no (financial) support. I expressed being both relieved for escaping the depressing energy of the past and excited for what was to come even though I had no idea what it was. I practice the preaching of doing my best with what I've got. That's all we can do and I am no different.

     However, I realized my lack of expectations played a major role in my positive outlook. Despite the financial burdens presented, my lack of expectations in monetary support allowed me to move forward freely. Ironically, I received a comment by a stranger who took offense to my divulging that I was doing it solo.

     The woman, unknown to me, had adopted a sense that she knew me from following my career online and so felt it was appropriate to voice her opinion. One statement she made gave me much insight into her frame of reference. "You're supposed to be a positive influence..." she said. And there it was, "supposed to be."

     She had placed expectations on me in a personal context that I was not fulfilling for her. To be positive doesn't mean that you never face stress and hindrances; to be positive means to face stress and hindrances with multiple possible pathways to overcome them which therefore offers the ability to embrace the obstacles as they facilitate personal growth. The process of personal development can never unfold unless we first acknowledge and accept the obstacles we face and then instead of focusing on the expectations of others, as in my case to expect another to fulfill his financial obligations, we focus on ourselves.

     You don't have to enjoy obstacles, stressors and hindrances and it is only human to express an array of emotions, in which feeling doesn't make you any less positive. Imagine if I had placed those unrealistic expectations on myself, "I'm not allowed to ever feel upset, overwhelmed or stressed because that means I am not a positive influence." What pressure! Let go of expectations of yourself, others and external factors and embrace your reality now.

Peace, Love & Light~

Becky Nolan

     

     

Be the Change You Want to See

    We're running a campaign advocating for children in need around the globe. One of our team members is a beautiful young woman both in visage and in spirit, who is alive and well today because of the kindness and generosity complete strangers bestowed onto her during her fight for survival. When asked why she joined the campaign for change she poignantly stated, "I want to be the change I want to see."
     That resonated deeply within each of us days before the campaign began and we refer to this phrase often because no matter what personal experience motivates us in fighting for the children and families we serve the bottom line is that individually we want to be the change we want to see.
     You don't have to come from the poverty and injustice of a third world country to be a force of change. It's important to remember that change is inevitable. Change happens all the time because time itself never ceases. So I always say, "why not take the reins and make positive changes?"
     Regardless of your personal aspirations in life, at any point in time you have the capacity to take hold of the reins and BE the change you want to see. For instance, if you are not happy with your physical appearance and want people to find you attractive, you must first get to a place mentally where you can look into the mirror and put your own judgments aside. Love yourself looking back at you. Appreciate the image in the reflection. Attitude is everything.
     Change the perception you have of yourself from unworthy of attracting others, to acknowledging your own personal beauty. Dress to impress and wear it with confidence and you will immediately notice the change in how others perceive you. The motivation to make the positive changes you want for your physicality (to diet, begin a workout regimen, adapt to healthier eating habits, etc) come naturally when you feel good about yourself.
      In sessions with a young bubbly woman in her early twenties who desperately wanted to build her confidence enough to engage in normal conversation, she continuously fretted over the blank screen in her head during every social engagement. She admitted right away that she was surrounded by people daily who spoke with superficial tongues but she couldn't understand why she stumbled on her words before shying away completely whenever an opinion was asked of her.
     She had figuratively beaten herself up over the recurring circumstances so much that she believed she was incapable of engaging in conversation and consequently refrained from trying to interact with people elsewhere. As our sessions progressed she became the change she wanted to see in herself as with others. She began opening up with strangers on the bus and found herself freely flowing in meaningful conversations about the spiritual connection between human beings and the Earth inhabited. Eventually, this young woman created a circle of friends within her school, her family and her community with whom she conversed daily with no extra effort against apprehension.
     Change often times is essential for survival, not just in impoverished remote countries around the world, but right in our very homes. Staggering statistics show that one in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime and men are victims of nearly 3 million reported domestic assaults. A woman in her early thirties initially realized the danger she and her young children were in when her husband threatened to kill the entire family. She took his threat seriously as he had recently begun physical attacks on her only while she was holding their infant child.
     Her goal was to have a peaceful home, and she knew right away that the only way to attain that goal was to begin with herself and emulate the peace she sought for the rest of her family members despite all the antagonistic efforts of her husband. Though she was not able to salvage her marriage, through courage, patience and perseverance she kept the abuse in her home to a bare minimum, bringing her children and herself some semblance of peace before she was able to make the ultimate empowering move toward divorce.
   So whether you want people to treat you with respect, kindness, admiration and attraction, or something else you must first treat yourself with respect, kindness, admiration and attraction followed by treating others in the same manner. To BE is a verb. It takes action~ proactive action. BE the change you want to see and you will see the change!

Peace, Love & Light~
Becky Nolan
True You Solutions