Love is not pain. Anything rooted in love does not result in any sort of pain. Loving words, actions, decisions and thoughts all beget joyous, pleasant and wondrous feelings. Think about the love you have for your child. Remember an instance when you looked lovingly at your child playing, smelling a flower, sleeping soundly, laughing, or just gazing into your eyes. Imagine this taking place right now. What might your reaction be? Sit and admire the scene for a moment. Notice the emotional response you feel; love, joy, pride, pure pleasure!
Now, let's modify the scene a bit. Imagine this time your child is smelling a flower that has a bee on it. What might your reaction be? Instead of witnessing your child at one with nature in a peaceful setting, you now have a sense of fear that your child might get stung. What might your response be for this particular instance? Swat the flower from the child's hand? Yell out to the child to get away? Abruptly pull your child away from the flower? In any one of those response scenarios you can imagine the child getting upset. They may be confused or startled or both. As a result the child may begin to cry. The child is clearly not feeling the result of love; on the contrary, the child is feeling a result of your fear.
Fear is pain. Just as the child became upset by your action based on fear for your child getting stung. Though some may argue that the fear of your child getting hurt stems from your love for the child in the first place. We can then agree that the intention was to protect the child, which was motivated by your love for the child, but the action was rooted in fear. The action is what upset the child, not your intention and not your motivation.
Bring the concept of when fear speaks into your adult relationships. Think of the words that some of your loved ones have said to you which have brought you pain only for the speaker to lay claim that the words were said out of love. In such instances we begin to question what love is. We wonder why love hurts so much. We begin to generalize assumptions that love is pain.
I challenge you to analyze the most recent or hurtful incident when a loved one made a comment or two that caused you pain due to their love for you. Trace the comment back to the root. Was it truly out of love? Or was it out of fear? Fear of losing you? Fear of losing your trust? Fear of losing your time and attention? Fear of losing your interest? Fear of losing your love?
Years ago I had planned to move across the country. My family needed a positive transformation, for that I was certain, and I was willing to do anything to figure out how to get it. When I disclosed my plans to move to my closest relatives, I received a barrage of negative comments and accusatory inquisitions.
Conversations are harsh when fear speaks and it shows. The faces of my relatives held frowns and scowls, their tones were pitched in desperation, muscles were tense and the negative energy was thick from all sides; I on the immediate defensive whilst they on the front line of attack. The implication I received was that my relatives thought I was an ignorant fool making an irresponsible, selfish and rash decision on what, in reality, I had put much positive thought, careful consideration, prayer and research into. Their words and the manner with which they were delivered drove a wedge between us instantly. At the end of the conversation the phrase of justification for the undeniable pain caused was spoken, "We only say this because we love you." The final sentiment cemented the wedge in place.
I knew that the words they chose were certainly not out of love, and therefore I deduced that if these people felt love in such a capacity that they really didn't love me at all. I knew what love was, and I absolutely knew that the experience was void of real love. At the time, neither they nor I had the emotional maturity to distinguish their love for me from their words and actions rooted in fear. Fear of losing me (and my family).
The ironic thing is, that I was actively able to discern when fear speaks in my marriage. I spent years attempting to "teach" my husband to make the distinction before acting and speaking. At times we seemed to be making progress and at other times not so much (for reasons that require a different article altogether). At any rate, the concept was nothing new to me, however I hadn't allowed this knowledge to transpire over to my childhood family members as well. If I had, I may have saved us a few years of estrangement.
Today I share with you this insight of when fear speaks before a wedge is driven in the middle of your significant relationships. When you feel pain, rest assured there is fear at the root. I challenge you to uncover the fear and proactively work to salvage your relationships.
Peace, Love & Light~
Becky
